- Vanessa
Don't Cry and Craft With Me
On not better but other news, I made song for the losers not going to TATINOF... like myself.
- Vanessa
- Vanessa
The Cards God Dealt Me
This has nothing to do with fandoms nor writing. This has to do with life.
I am being faced upon two choices these days and I could go ahead and say I have to choose in between what's right, and what's easy. The truth is however, I have no way to know if just because it's harder, it means it's the right way to go. True, troubles can build you up but they can also drag you down. Is it simpler then, to not risk too much and just take what happens to be the easier choice? Or does that mean that I'm a coward or, perhaps that's too strong a word, but still too much of a scared-y cat to jump out from my mother's protective shield and go one on one with life myself?
Because that's exactly what would happen, if I choose to move back to the USA from Mexico. I'm going to be entering the ring, leaving my mother and my family not even in the same arena, and practically setting myself up for a beat down. But. Even if they aren't in the same building I know they would be cheering me on. And even if I do get knocked out, I know the choice to get back up again is still my own. And I know, that no matter how bruised up I am, how many broken bones I have, it doesn't matter if I can't see or if I can't hear because why would I need such mundane things when I have God right above me, making sure not that I'm not harmed, but that I'm not harmed life-threateningly.
I am scared. I know I'm going to break a few bones, tear a few muscles and get a lot of bruises. I know I'm going to have to drag myself at some point, and cling to ropes for support just to get back to my knees at the very least. I know that I'm going to cry and bleed, and feel lonely. But I feel like I can't stay, I know it'd be easier because I would still be able to have my mother's protective eye over me and she could come into the ring and give me a breather if I needed to but. She's tired. She's already fractured some bones of her own, and has shed tears and blood so maybe it's time I allow her some rest and face life on my own? Despite the sure pain to come.
I'm not choosing to go, just because it's the more difficult option. I am also choosing to go, because to stay feels wrong and cowardly. And I am not a coward. And I am strong enough to get back up after every round. And I am a story of great troubles and victories and tears and cries of joy and success. So... so. It seems the cards God has dealt me aren't meant for a quick and easy win. But that's okay, because this only means that they're leading up to something even greater.
It's after a few loses that a win means anything. I'm ready to lose. Because when I win... honey you should see me in a crown.
- Vanessa
I am being faced upon two choices these days and I could go ahead and say I have to choose in between what's right, and what's easy. The truth is however, I have no way to know if just because it's harder, it means it's the right way to go. True, troubles can build you up but they can also drag you down. Is it simpler then, to not risk too much and just take what happens to be the easier choice? Or does that mean that I'm a coward or, perhaps that's too strong a word, but still too much of a scared-y cat to jump out from my mother's protective shield and go one on one with life myself?
Because that's exactly what would happen, if I choose to move back to the USA from Mexico. I'm going to be entering the ring, leaving my mother and my family not even in the same arena, and practically setting myself up for a beat down. But. Even if they aren't in the same building I know they would be cheering me on. And even if I do get knocked out, I know the choice to get back up again is still my own. And I know, that no matter how bruised up I am, how many broken bones I have, it doesn't matter if I can't see or if I can't hear because why would I need such mundane things when I have God right above me, making sure not that I'm not harmed, but that I'm not harmed life-threateningly.
I am scared. I know I'm going to break a few bones, tear a few muscles and get a lot of bruises. I know I'm going to have to drag myself at some point, and cling to ropes for support just to get back to my knees at the very least. I know that I'm going to cry and bleed, and feel lonely. But I feel like I can't stay, I know it'd be easier because I would still be able to have my mother's protective eye over me and she could come into the ring and give me a breather if I needed to but. She's tired. She's already fractured some bones of her own, and has shed tears and blood so maybe it's time I allow her some rest and face life on my own? Despite the sure pain to come.
I'm not choosing to go, just because it's the more difficult option. I am also choosing to go, because to stay feels wrong and cowardly. And I am not a coward. And I am strong enough to get back up after every round. And I am a story of great troubles and victories and tears and cries of joy and success. So... so. It seems the cards God has dealt me aren't meant for a quick and easy win. But that's okay, because this only means that they're leading up to something even greater.
It's after a few loses that a win means anything. I'm ready to lose. Because when I win... honey you should see me in a crown.
- Vanessa
Camp NaNoWriMo July 2016 Part 2
Okay. Here's the update.
Last word count goal ended up being 20k. I wrote half of that on the last day, literally the 31st. I didn't want to fall completely short so I wrote as much as I could within like 18 hours or so. Sure it completely destroyed my sleeping schedule but let's be honest here, it wasn't something to maintain anyways. So, I lost NaNoWriMo again, 2nd time in a row but I don't feel too bad about it. As I said, I don't know if I want to be a writer anymore, although those last 10k words have me thinking I'll keep it as a hobby, so I don't feel as pressured as I used to to actually get good at it. Thus, making me not feel the responsibility to write more, and of course NaNoWriMo was an excellent motivation tool to do so.
So. Both of my active cabin mates won. I don't know if I'll be joining in November as I don't know what my emotional, psychological and professional state will be. My world will shift under my feet as I move back to my country (eventually), and maybe I will find that writing is the only I want to do. I do love stories. And I do love words. But perhaps, I was just meant to be a voice in the stands cheering everyone else on rather than on the field trying desperately to score a goal, or touchdown, or 10 points for Gryffindor. I'm a Gryffindor but I kept thinking I was a Slytherin. The Hat knows best though.
- Vanessa
Last word count goal ended up being 20k. I wrote half of that on the last day, literally the 31st. I didn't want to fall completely short so I wrote as much as I could within like 18 hours or so. Sure it completely destroyed my sleeping schedule but let's be honest here, it wasn't something to maintain anyways. So, I lost NaNoWriMo again, 2nd time in a row but I don't feel too bad about it. As I said, I don't know if I want to be a writer anymore, although those last 10k words have me thinking I'll keep it as a hobby, so I don't feel as pressured as I used to to actually get good at it. Thus, making me not feel the responsibility to write more, and of course NaNoWriMo was an excellent motivation tool to do so.
So. Both of my active cabin mates won. I don't know if I'll be joining in November as I don't know what my emotional, psychological and professional state will be. My world will shift under my feet as I move back to my country (eventually), and maybe I will find that writing is the only I want to do. I do love stories. And I do love words. But perhaps, I was just meant to be a voice in the stands cheering everyone else on rather than on the field trying desperately to score a goal, or touchdown, or 10 points for Gryffindor. I'm a Gryffindor but I kept thinking I was a Slytherin. The Hat knows best though.
- Vanessa
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)