- Vanessa
Don't Cry and Craft With Me
On not better but other news, I made song for the losers not going to TATINOF... like myself.
- Vanessa
- Vanessa
The Cards God Dealt Me
This has nothing to do with fandoms nor writing. This has to do with life.
I am being faced upon two choices these days and I could go ahead and say I have to choose in between what's right, and what's easy. The truth is however, I have no way to know if just because it's harder, it means it's the right way to go. True, troubles can build you up but they can also drag you down. Is it simpler then, to not risk too much and just take what happens to be the easier choice? Or does that mean that I'm a coward or, perhaps that's too strong a word, but still too much of a scared-y cat to jump out from my mother's protective shield and go one on one with life myself?
Because that's exactly what would happen, if I choose to move back to the USA from Mexico. I'm going to be entering the ring, leaving my mother and my family not even in the same arena, and practically setting myself up for a beat down. But. Even if they aren't in the same building I know they would be cheering me on. And even if I do get knocked out, I know the choice to get back up again is still my own. And I know, that no matter how bruised up I am, how many broken bones I have, it doesn't matter if I can't see or if I can't hear because why would I need such mundane things when I have God right above me, making sure not that I'm not harmed, but that I'm not harmed life-threateningly.
I am scared. I know I'm going to break a few bones, tear a few muscles and get a lot of bruises. I know I'm going to have to drag myself at some point, and cling to ropes for support just to get back to my knees at the very least. I know that I'm going to cry and bleed, and feel lonely. But I feel like I can't stay, I know it'd be easier because I would still be able to have my mother's protective eye over me and she could come into the ring and give me a breather if I needed to but. She's tired. She's already fractured some bones of her own, and has shed tears and blood so maybe it's time I allow her some rest and face life on my own? Despite the sure pain to come.
I'm not choosing to go, just because it's the more difficult option. I am also choosing to go, because to stay feels wrong and cowardly. And I am not a coward. And I am strong enough to get back up after every round. And I am a story of great troubles and victories and tears and cries of joy and success. So... so. It seems the cards God has dealt me aren't meant for a quick and easy win. But that's okay, because this only means that they're leading up to something even greater.
It's after a few loses that a win means anything. I'm ready to lose. Because when I win... honey you should see me in a crown.
- Vanessa
I am being faced upon two choices these days and I could go ahead and say I have to choose in between what's right, and what's easy. The truth is however, I have no way to know if just because it's harder, it means it's the right way to go. True, troubles can build you up but they can also drag you down. Is it simpler then, to not risk too much and just take what happens to be the easier choice? Or does that mean that I'm a coward or, perhaps that's too strong a word, but still too much of a scared-y cat to jump out from my mother's protective shield and go one on one with life myself?
Because that's exactly what would happen, if I choose to move back to the USA from Mexico. I'm going to be entering the ring, leaving my mother and my family not even in the same arena, and practically setting myself up for a beat down. But. Even if they aren't in the same building I know they would be cheering me on. And even if I do get knocked out, I know the choice to get back up again is still my own. And I know, that no matter how bruised up I am, how many broken bones I have, it doesn't matter if I can't see or if I can't hear because why would I need such mundane things when I have God right above me, making sure not that I'm not harmed, but that I'm not harmed life-threateningly.
I am scared. I know I'm going to break a few bones, tear a few muscles and get a lot of bruises. I know I'm going to have to drag myself at some point, and cling to ropes for support just to get back to my knees at the very least. I know that I'm going to cry and bleed, and feel lonely. But I feel like I can't stay, I know it'd be easier because I would still be able to have my mother's protective eye over me and she could come into the ring and give me a breather if I needed to but. She's tired. She's already fractured some bones of her own, and has shed tears and blood so maybe it's time I allow her some rest and face life on my own? Despite the sure pain to come.
I'm not choosing to go, just because it's the more difficult option. I am also choosing to go, because to stay feels wrong and cowardly. And I am not a coward. And I am strong enough to get back up after every round. And I am a story of great troubles and victories and tears and cries of joy and success. So... so. It seems the cards God has dealt me aren't meant for a quick and easy win. But that's okay, because this only means that they're leading up to something even greater.
It's after a few loses that a win means anything. I'm ready to lose. Because when I win... honey you should see me in a crown.
- Vanessa
Camp NaNoWriMo July 2016 Part 2
Okay. Here's the update.
Last word count goal ended up being 20k. I wrote half of that on the last day, literally the 31st. I didn't want to fall completely short so I wrote as much as I could within like 18 hours or so. Sure it completely destroyed my sleeping schedule but let's be honest here, it wasn't something to maintain anyways. So, I lost NaNoWriMo again, 2nd time in a row but I don't feel too bad about it. As I said, I don't know if I want to be a writer anymore, although those last 10k words have me thinking I'll keep it as a hobby, so I don't feel as pressured as I used to to actually get good at it. Thus, making me not feel the responsibility to write more, and of course NaNoWriMo was an excellent motivation tool to do so.
So. Both of my active cabin mates won. I don't know if I'll be joining in November as I don't know what my emotional, psychological and professional state will be. My world will shift under my feet as I move back to my country (eventually), and maybe I will find that writing is the only I want to do. I do love stories. And I do love words. But perhaps, I was just meant to be a voice in the stands cheering everyone else on rather than on the field trying desperately to score a goal, or touchdown, or 10 points for Gryffindor. I'm a Gryffindor but I kept thinking I was a Slytherin. The Hat knows best though.
- Vanessa
Last word count goal ended up being 20k. I wrote half of that on the last day, literally the 31st. I didn't want to fall completely short so I wrote as much as I could within like 18 hours or so. Sure it completely destroyed my sleeping schedule but let's be honest here, it wasn't something to maintain anyways. So, I lost NaNoWriMo again, 2nd time in a row but I don't feel too bad about it. As I said, I don't know if I want to be a writer anymore, although those last 10k words have me thinking I'll keep it as a hobby, so I don't feel as pressured as I used to to actually get good at it. Thus, making me not feel the responsibility to write more, and of course NaNoWriMo was an excellent motivation tool to do so.
So. Both of my active cabin mates won. I don't know if I'll be joining in November as I don't know what my emotional, psychological and professional state will be. My world will shift under my feet as I move back to my country (eventually), and maybe I will find that writing is the only I want to do. I do love stories. And I do love words. But perhaps, I was just meant to be a voice in the stands cheering everyone else on rather than on the field trying desperately to score a goal, or touchdown, or 10 points for Gryffindor. I'm a Gryffindor but I kept thinking I was a Slytherin. The Hat knows best though.
- Vanessa
Camp NaNoWriMo July 2016 Part 1
This month was a wreck. Due to two reasons. One more than the other.
1. K dramas. I began my obsession with k dramas in the month of July and thus, did absolutely nothing else. Are you proud of yourself Vanessa? On the positive side, I got very familiar with Korean and am now very determined to learn. Also, I found the love of my life. Okay, the (maybe, I'm not sure at this point anymore) 10th love of my life so far this year, still. We all know how obsessive I can be, that is the base factor of a fangirl after all. So is it really my fault that k dramas just happened to be so good? Well, no. However I should have at least written a little more everyday. Or anything at all really.
2. Existential crisis. Not entirely existiential. More like, professional crisis? I don't know. I just came to the conclusion that if I had so many doubts about actually becoming a writer, maybe I shouldn't pursue that as my life career. If it's something I'm going to be doing professionally and for the rest of my life, it should be something I don't go, "Hmm, but do I?" when I think about it.
I mean, I see so many people so passionate about what they're doing in life and I want to be one of those that are happy because they decided to follow their dreams and didn't just choose whatever was there in front of them. The problem is I don't know what exactly it is yet. And let me tell you I've had a taste of a few things already.
Anyways, back to the writing. Since I've doubted whether I really want to become a writer, then I didn't feel as obligated as to writing as I did in the April session. Which made it worse because at least then I only had a word goal of 30k unlike this session where I was really ambitious due to my summer vacations starting and set it at 50k. Little did I know then how downhill it would go.
So now, it is currently the last day and I've written 11k. I have to write another 39k for me to win. Can I do it?
I am crazy enough to believe I can.
Will I do it?
That's exactly the right question.
- Vanessa
PS
I'll post an update eventually. I'm such a procrastinator it should be illegal.
1. K dramas. I began my obsession with k dramas in the month of July and thus, did absolutely nothing else. Are you proud of yourself Vanessa? On the positive side, I got very familiar with Korean and am now very determined to learn. Also, I found the love of my life. Okay, the (maybe, I'm not sure at this point anymore) 10th love of my life so far this year, still. We all know how obsessive I can be, that is the base factor of a fangirl after all. So is it really my fault that k dramas just happened to be so good? Well, no. However I should have at least written a little more everyday. Or anything at all really.
2. Existential crisis. Not entirely existiential. More like, professional crisis? I don't know. I just came to the conclusion that if I had so many doubts about actually becoming a writer, maybe I shouldn't pursue that as my life career. If it's something I'm going to be doing professionally and for the rest of my life, it should be something I don't go, "Hmm, but do I?" when I think about it.
I mean, I see so many people so passionate about what they're doing in life and I want to be one of those that are happy because they decided to follow their dreams and didn't just choose whatever was there in front of them. The problem is I don't know what exactly it is yet. And let me tell you I've had a taste of a few things already.
Anyways, back to the writing. Since I've doubted whether I really want to become a writer, then I didn't feel as obligated as to writing as I did in the April session. Which made it worse because at least then I only had a word goal of 30k unlike this session where I was really ambitious due to my summer vacations starting and set it at 50k. Little did I know then how downhill it would go.
So now, it is currently the last day and I've written 11k. I have to write another 39k for me to win. Can I do it?
I am crazy enough to believe I can.
Will I do it?
That's exactly the right question.
- Vanessa
PS
I'll post an update eventually. I'm such a procrastinator it should be illegal.
Why it's real.
My little brother asks me a lot about Spider Man. As we live in Mexico and he knows Spider Man lives in the US, he asked me to take pictures of him shooting a web when I move back. He's 5 years old so I debated quickly on whether to explain to him the fact that Peter Parker was fiction or not, to which I decided to in fact do so. I tried to explain it though, without making fiction and not-real synonyms if you know what I mean.
I get emotionally attached to characters all the time, every time, from a book, a show, a movie, even a commercial. And though I sometimes question whether it has to do with some psychological affair I should check out with a shrink, I have ultimately always decided on accepting it and embracing it even. Now, I have finally been able to put into words how I take in those situations, where I cry with them and laugh with them, and throw tantrums even though I appear to be insane.
They may be a part of a story, of a script, just fiction. But that's the thing, isn't it. Fiction isn't just.
Because although names are different, faces, places, families, lies, promises... it still is something that happens, that happened somewhere in the world. Somewhere there are men who jump in front of the women they love every time someone wants to hurt her, somewhere there are people making their friend smile and laugh and helping them overcome whatever they need so they can be happy, somewhere there is someone teaching humility, or love or friendship or forgiveness or loyalty and there's someone learning.
So how can I not get attached? How can I not smile like an absolute fool or cry like a baby when I see these things happen in front of my eyes? How, when there are people in this world really crying, losing, laughing, loving, winning, yelling, learning and living... how can I just act as if it were fiction when it is just so so obvious that it's real?
- Vanessa
I get emotionally attached to characters all the time, every time, from a book, a show, a movie, even a commercial. And though I sometimes question whether it has to do with some psychological affair I should check out with a shrink, I have ultimately always decided on accepting it and embracing it even. Now, I have finally been able to put into words how I take in those situations, where I cry with them and laugh with them, and throw tantrums even though I appear to be insane.
They may be a part of a story, of a script, just fiction. But that's the thing, isn't it. Fiction isn't just.
Because although names are different, faces, places, families, lies, promises... it still is something that happens, that happened somewhere in the world. Somewhere there are men who jump in front of the women they love every time someone wants to hurt her, somewhere there are people making their friend smile and laugh and helping them overcome whatever they need so they can be happy, somewhere there is someone teaching humility, or love or friendship or forgiveness or loyalty and there's someone learning.
So how can I not get attached? How can I not smile like an absolute fool or cry like a baby when I see these things happen in front of my eyes? How, when there are people in this world really crying, losing, laughing, loving, winning, yelling, learning and living... how can I just act as if it were fiction when it is just so so obvious that it's real?
- Vanessa
The Worst Fangirl Stage
I have joined the EXO fandom... which should explain my absence for so long. And I am currently at that worst stage of it, you know, where you're completely smitten and it's all that you can think about and they're all you want to watch and listen to and study about... I'm at precisely that stage where I've fallen in love and my heart rejoices and weeps simultaneously when I see them because how could it not think it's beating for them and so jump excitedly when it catches a glimpse of them, how can I not want to curl into myself and damn the world at the top of my lungs if it's standing in the middle of us, a barrier that I am useless against...
I am at that stage where I just can't. Where I wish they knew me because I hate to be not even another face in the crowd, just another stranger who they acknowledge as fan but not as a specific individual with so much to offer; and I'm at that stage where I wish they didn't know me because even if they did it would change nothing, not when their schedules are so busy and they have better options lining up and I CAN'T EVEN SPEAK KOREAN
It's astounding how I can feel like pouring my heart into a kettle and hearing it scream because it's hot when in reality I am just sitting in front of a laptop, face almost bored looking and fingers just dancing along the keyboards...
PS
I'm trying to learn Korean
I am at that stage where I just can't. Where I wish they knew me because I hate to be not even another face in the crowd, just another stranger who they acknowledge as fan but not as a specific individual with so much to offer; and I'm at that stage where I wish they didn't know me because even if they did it would change nothing, not when their schedules are so busy and they have better options lining up and I CAN'T EVEN SPEAK KOREAN
It's astounding how I can feel like pouring my heart into a kettle and hearing it scream because it's hot when in reality I am just sitting in front of a laptop, face almost bored looking and fingers just dancing along the keyboards...
- Vanessa
PS
I'm trying to learn Korean
Being a fangirl, I love.
Being a fangirl isn’t the healthiest lifestyle. Your sleeping patterns are an absolute mess, your eating schedule is
probably equally bad, I sometimes eat too much and sometimes too little. My
mind is usually in far off places, whether they be far geographically speaking
like in a galaxy far far away, or a long way into the timeline of humanity,
like the rise of a new generation having to deal with poverty and oppression.
You’d think I’d stop. Ha.
I love being a fangirl. I love it so much I
literally can’t even.
I love loving things so much that they
bring me to tears instantly, that they can call up a smile to my lips with a
snap of the fingers, that they can make me forget everything – problems,
troubles, sadness, sleepiness – with a single face, with a single word, with a
single picture.
You have no idea how much I can love
something that doesn’t exist, and you have no idea how much I love that and
love that I love that. Something, someone that I can’t go visit nor can even
know of my existence, or maybe someone that can in fact, by some miracle
realize I exist. I think it’s amazing to love so unconditionally, because
loving is what humans do best you know, and I think it’s amazing, I think it’s
magical.
I love being a fangirl, I really really do.
And I can repeat this phrase as often as I am asked, “what are you even talking
about?” and never tire. Because I’m a fangirl and I dedicate my time, energy
and love to boy bands and their music that has me dancing like a clown in the middle
of my room, to fictional stories and people that have me apparently laughing,
crying, yelling at nothing and for no reason in front of my classmates, to things
that you may think are not important, nonexistent if you wish, that should not
be a priority but, in their and my own defense I just ask you this: what is the
purpose of life, if not to find what you love and then love it more than
humanly possible?
A wizard, a jedi, a vampire, a runner, a
rebel, a boy band, a dork or two, a song, a show, a story, a world… a whole
world.
I love them tremendously and I laugh with
them hysterically, I cry for them miserably and I yell at them indignantly …
and, and they can’t hear me. They can’t see me. They don’t know me. But I can.
I do. And I love it. It’s my favorite thing in the world.
- Vanessa
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