The Worst Fangirl Stage

I have joined the EXO fandom... which should explain my absence for so long. And I am currently at that worst stage of it, you know, where you're completely smitten and it's all that you can think about and they're all you want to watch and listen to and study about... I'm at precisely that stage where I've fallen in love and my heart rejoices and weeps simultaneously when I see them because how could it not think it's beating for them and so jump excitedly when it catches a glimpse of them, how can I not want to curl into myself and damn the world at the top of my lungs if it's standing in the middle of us, a barrier that I am useless against...

I am at that stage where I just can't. Where I wish they knew me because I hate to be not even another face in the crowd, just another stranger who they acknowledge as fan but not as a specific individual with so much to offer; and I'm at that stage where I wish they didn't know me because even if they did it would change nothing, not when their schedules are so busy and they have better options lining up and I CAN'T EVEN SPEAK KOREAN

It's astounding how I can feel like pouring my heart into a kettle and hearing it scream because it's hot when in reality I am just sitting in front of a laptop, face almost bored looking and fingers just dancing along the keyboards...

- Vanessa

PS
I'm trying to learn Korean